I Don't Want To Be In Love
by Clover Swan
Summary: Harley is once again seperated from Joker. Ivy is fighting off her feelings for a certain rogue. And Selina needs a place to stay. So it only seems natural they all move in together!
1. I Don't Want To Be In Love

_**disclaimer**_ I don't own Batman. I don't have money. If you want to sue me then good luck cuz you're getting zip. And comments are appreciated but ridiculous complaints about pairings are not welcomed. I don't care if you don't like Nightwing and Barbra together. That's your problem. On with the story.

Pamela Isley woke up at exactly 8:00 AM every morning. She would get out of bed and make her way to the living room where she'd pull back the curtains on her terrace doors and step outside to admire the park from her apartment's balcony. She then made breakfast and flipped through the Gotham Times. At 9:30 Ivy jumped into the shower and then got dressed. But today was different.

At 7:43 AM, Ivy awoke to the sound of frantic pounding on her apartment door. Ivy shot up and stumbled out of bed. She made her way to the door knocking into a table which held one of her favorite creations, a mini flytrap she enhanced a couple of months ago. Ivy unlocked the door and opened it as far as the chain would allow.

"Mornin', Red!" Harley beamed from the hallway.

Ivy sighed, undid the chain, and let Harley in.

She bounced through the door, tossed her bags on the floor and plopped onto the couch.

"Harley, its 7:46 in the morning. You and Joker couldn't have had a fight already," Ivy grumbled as she opened the curtains and started a pot of coffee.

"Ya'd think so but here I am," Harley replied sadly.

Ivy rubbed her temples and groaned. AS much as she dreaded it, she had to ask. "So what happened?"

"Well…it technically wasn't a fight," Harley began, "I actually left him."

Poison Ivy dropped the coffee cup she was holding and it smashed on the floor. "You did what?" she asked in disbelief.

"What? I'm capable of leaving him!" she argued.

Ivy gave her the raised eyebrow.

"So he gets up this morning and starts plotting his latest caper. I go over to his desk to tell him good morning and get in a little morning sugar and he brushes me off. Typical morning."

Ivy rolled her eyes.

"So I go back to bed and he cracks a joke but I miss it. I don't laugh, he gets mad, we argue, he gives me a push; I pack my stuff and take off. I think we just need a little break ya know?" Harley continued.

Ivy picked up the last few pieces of ceramic and tossed them in the trash. She walked over to the couch where Harley sat. She placed her hand on her hip and pinched the bridge of her nose with the other. "How long are you staying?" she asked.

"Until I can find a place of my own or until we patch things up," Harley replied.

Ivy snorted.

"Oh please Red! I swear you won't even know I'm here," she pleaded.

"Fine. But seriously Harl, find your own place. Be independent. Don't go back to him," she groaned.

Harley jumped up and threw her arms around Ivy. "Thanks Red!" She grabbed her bags and headed down the hallway to one of Ivy's spare rooms.

Ivy dropped onto the sofa. She liked having Harley but she knew in a couple of weeks Harley would be right back in the Joker's arms. She glanced at the clock. "8:00 already huh?" she asked herself. She drummed her fingers on the cushion next to her.

"Hey Red, you hungry?" Harley called down the hallway.

"I suppose," she replied.

"Great! I'll make waffles!" she exclaimed as she bounded down the hall and into the kitchen.

"Fantastic."

Harley shuffled around the kitchen looking for all her waffle needs. Ivy closed her eyes and tried to tune out the sound of her pots and pans clanging together. She was about to crack.

_Cause tonight is the night when 2 become 1. I need some love like I never needed love before. Wanna make love to you baby. I had a little love now I'm back for more_

Ivy looked at the coffee table where her cell phone was laid, playing Spice Girls music.

"If that's Mistah J, I'm not here," Harley said matter-of-factly.

"Course not. You're shacked up with Edward Nigma or bunking with Selina Kyle," Ivy muttered. She picked up the phone and sighed. "Hello."

"Mornin' Pammy," Harvey replied.

Ivy glanced back at Harley. She was still bumbling around the kitchen.

"Ya there Pammy?" he asked.

"Yeah. Yes," she said in a little more than a whisper.

"You ok?"

"I'm fine," she assured him.

"Someone there?" he asked.

"Just Harley."

"So we're whispering because…" he trailed.

"Hold on." Ivy got up off the couch and walked into her bedroom. She closed the door and bounced onto the bed. "There. Happy?" she asked sarcastically.

"So you don't want her to know I'm calling?"

"She just split with the Joker again. Last thing I need is her getting all emotional," she explained.

"So I'm guessing we're off for tonight?" he asked knowing the answer already.

"I'm sorry."

"Pammy," Harvey groaned in frustration.

"She's my friend Harv and she needs me," she explained.

"You haven't even told her have you?" he questioned.

"Well it really hasn't, I mean we haven't really…"

"Pamela!" Twoface growled.

She recognized the switch immediately. "I'll tell her when I'm ready!" She was angry now.

"You embarrassed by me?"

"You? Yes! Harvey? No!" she yelled.

"Fuck you!" Twoface yelled back.

"All that without a coin toss?" she screamed.

Ivy flipped the phone closed and hurled it at the wall. It smashed into pretty plastic pieces.

"Great! Now I need a new phone!" She threw her arms up in frustration.

She stomped out of her room and into the kitchen where Harley had finally managed the waffles.

"Waffle?" Harley asked holding a plate out to Ivy.

"You heard that huh?" she asked taking the plate and sitting down at the table.

"Yeah," she replied. "Harvey?"

"How'd you guess?"

"The 2 Become 1 ring tone was a dead give away."

"Great."

"How long's that been going on?" Harley asked.

"A few weeks," Ivy admitted guiltily. "We didn't tell anybody. It was kind of a fluke."

Harley sat down across from Ivy. "I think it's kind of nice."

Ivy took a bite of waffle and sighed. "You need anything from the store?" she asked.

"Nopperz."

"You want to go with me anyway? I have to go get a new cell phone." She turned a little pink as she said it. Her anger was a bit embarrassing.

"Sure."


	2. Sympathy For The Devil

**Disclaimer **I still don't own anything. I'm still broke. Happy?

Selina Kyle dropped to her knees and lifted up the bed skirt. "Where the hell is it?" she asked no one in particular.

The little grey kitten on top of the bed meowed in response.

"Of course you don't know. Harlow's the one who took it," Selina replied. She looked over at the desk where a white female cat sat staring at her. "That's right. I'm on to you and your sock thievery. Now where'd you put it?"

Of course Harlow didn't respond. She just hopped off the desk and walked into the living room.

"Ignore me then. Alright Dodger," the grey kitten perked up upon hearing his name, "do you know where my sock is?"

But before he could tell her there was a pounding on Selina's door. She got on her feet and made her way to the door.

"Selina? It's Mrs. Laraby," the woman called from outside the door.

"Shit," Selina mumbled. She opened the door and forced a smile. "Mrs. Laraby, how nice to see you."

"Save it Selina. Your rent's late," Mars. Laraby told her.

"I know."

"You still haven't paid me for last month."

"I'm trying Mrs. Laraby," she pleaded.

"I'm sorry Selina. I like ya but I'm not running a charity house."

Selina lowered her head. She'd heard this speech before. "How long do I have?" she asked.

"I'll give you to the end of the week to either get the money or get out."

"Alright," Selina replied.

The older woman turned around and made her way down the hall. When she rounded the corner Selina shut the door and pressed her back against it. She looked over at the couch where Harlow laid. The cat looked up at her and then turned away.

"Ain't that the truth?" Selina grumbled.

She walked over to the kitchen counter and picked up her cell phone. She hit speed dial 3 and waited.

"What's new pussycat?" came a male voice from the receiver.

"Edward so help me god," Selina replied.

"Couldn't resist. Sorry. So what's new?" Edward Nigma asked.

"Eviction."

"Ouch."

"Tell me about it," Selina said as she walked to the living room and plopped down onto the couch.

"Aren't you dating Bruce Wayne?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Why don't you ask him for the money?"

"I'm an independent woman. I don't need his help."

"Apparently you do," he replied sarcastically.

"Besides, he'd just tell me to move in with him," she told him choosing to ignore his comment.

"If you don't want to move in with him I will," Eddie joked.

"Not funny."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "I guess I'll have to find a job."

"You mean you'll have to pull a job," Eddie corrected.

"I can't do that anymore, Eddie. If I get caught Bruce will have a tizzy."

The truth was if Selina got caught pulling a job Bruce Wayne would be the one to catch her. Not too long after they started dating, Bruce and Selina took off the masks. Of course Bruce knew Selina was Catwoman but for her the whole thing was a bit of a shock.

"So, you going to get a job at a department store or maybe Tiffany's?" Eddie asked sarcastically.

"Not helping again."

"I have no idea why you called me," he admitted.

"I was hoping for some amazing revelation."

"Do you have any money?"

"Well yeah. Just not enough for rent and living."

"Here's an idea, try getting a room mate."

"Yeah because people are lining up to live with a rogue," she growled.

"I hear Ivy has a three bedroom. Give her a call. I'm sure she could use some help." He offered.

"That's a really stu…" she began, "wait. That's actually not a bad idea."

"Glad to be of service."

"Eddie, I have a question."

"Shoot," he replied.

"Why no riddle or anagrams today?"

"Because the writer had this whole conversation planned out for you and Harvey but then she changed it up," he explained.

"What?"

"Oh…because it's 8:30 in the morning and I'm tired."

"Fair enough."


	3. Wish You Were Here

**Disclaimer** still don't own anything. Sorry.

"Harley! Turn that down!" Ivy yelled down the hallway to Harley's bedroom.

Harley had been blaring Like a Prayer by Madonna all afternoon. Now, Ivy liked that song just as much as the next female but she couldn't take it anymore. Harley had been living with her for three days and everyday it was a new song marathon. Yesterday it was Somebody to Love by Queen and the day before that it was Why Can't I Breathe by Liz Phair.

"There's only so much I can take," she muttered to herself.

The music subsided and Ivy smiled. Finally…peace.

♪_Cold hard bitch .Just a kiss on the lips. And I was on my knees. Im waitin, give me. Cold hard bitch. She was shakin' her hips. So that was all that I need._**♪**

Ivy looked over at her cell phone and rolled her eyes. "Great. I wonder who that could be." She picked up the phone and looked at the caller ID. "Oh shit," she cursed.

Harley stepped out her room and walked over to Ivy. "You gonna answer that?" she asked peering over Ivy's shoulder. When her eyes caught sight of the caller ID she backed off. "Oh boy."

Ivy flipped the phone open. "Hello," she cooed.

"Ivy? It's Selina."

"I'm aware. Caller ID you know," Ivy replied.

"Oh yeah. Well I heard you got a new phone. I wasn't sure you put me in the phonebook or not," Selina said.

"Yeah, my old phone took a tumble and broke."

"More like it collided with a wall," Harley remarked sarcastically.

Ivy booted her in the butt and stepped into the kitchen.

"What was that?" Selina asked, hearing Harley's remark.

"Nothing. What can I do for you?" Ivy asked. She wanted to cut to the chase. She liked Selina enough but they didn't call each other to chat.

"Oh. Um…." Selina fumbled.

"Do we need to meet in person?" Ivy asked. She'd never heard Selina trip over words.

"No! I mean I'm fine on the phone."

"Ok."

"I was talking to Eddie the other day and he said that you had a nice three bedroom apartment."

"Yes?" Ivy asked suspiciously.

"Must cost you a lot being all by yourself."

"Well I have Harley with me now but it's a little tight," Ivy admitted.

"I see."

"Are you looking for a place to stay?" Ivy asked.

Harley, who had been lying on the couch, peeked over the back and gave Ivy her signature eyebrow raise.

"Well I'm willing to pay you. I'm just a little tight for money myself now and I can't afford my apartment anymore," Selina explained.

"When are you moving in?"

Harley was standing now. "What?" she asked in disbelief.

"When do you want me to?"

"Whenever you want. Just let me know. Harley and I can give you a hand."

"Red, are you nutso?" Harley whined.

"Great. I can start moving my stuff tomorrow then?"

"Absolutely. We'll com by around 11:00 tomorrow. What's your address?" Ivy pulled a pen and a piece of paper from a drawer and scribbled down the address.

Harley flopped down onto the couch. She couldn't believe it. Selina Kyle, effin' Catwoman was moving in. "What's next? Talia Al Ghul? Or maybe Batbrat!" She exclaimed kicking her feet in the air like a spoiled child.

Ivy closed her phone and walked over to the couch. "Act your age…not your shoe size," she scolded.

"Red, what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking we need the extra money. I'm also thinking we help out our fellow girl," Ivy explained.

"She has a millionaire boytoy! Let him help her out!"

"You know as well as I do that Selina would never let a man help her. Just like you and I wouldn't." Ivy stopped and thought for a second. "Well at least I wouldn't you on the other hand."

"Yeah I know. I'm a lost cause," Harley groaned.

"Maybe Selina will be a positive influence on you. Show you how to be in a relationship without loosing yourself."

Harley rolled her eyes and rolled backwards into a sitting position. "Harvey call ya yet?" she asked hopefully.

Ivy bit her lip. "No. Why would he?"

"Because you love each other."

"Do not!" Ivy retorted like a child.

"Sure. Ok. Whatever," Harley replied putting her hands up in defeat.

"We don't! We were just fooling around and now we're not!"

"Convincing me or you?" Harley asked.

"Shut up," Ivy growled.

They sat on the couch in silence for a moment. Ivy picked and her nails and chewed her lip while Harley twirled her ponytail around her finger.

"It's ok to be in love ya know," Harley told her.

"I give up," Ivy sighed as she got up from the couch and headed to her room.

"Denial, not just a river in Egypt," Harley sang.

Ivy returned from her room dressed in a black pencil skirt, a white t-shirt-like top, and a pair of shiny black pumps.

"Where you going, Red?"

"Away from you."

"Can I come?" Harley asked.

Ivy rolled her eyes and walked out the door.

"Guess that's a no huh?"

There was no reply. Ivy was gone.

"I'll be fine on my own," Harley told herself. She turned on the TV and surfed the channels finally deciding on Kim Possible. "Mistah J's favorite Disney cartoon," Harley sighed. She got up from the couch, ran to her room, and rifled through her purse until she found her phone. All the rogues had cell phones these days. It was Penguin's idea. It was a way to keep in touch without having to see each other. This way they stayed family. Every rogue was in the other's contact list and since they all signed up together they got a good rate. Some kind of circle deal. Harley didn't get it, she didn't care. Right now all she cared about was talking to Joker.

She walked back into the living room and plopped onto the couch. She flipped her phone open and hit speed dial 1.

♪ _The return of the thin white duke. Throwing darts in lovers' eyes. Here are we, one magical moment. Such is the stuff from where dreams are woven._** ♪**

Harley giggled. She was the one who picked out Joker's ringback tone and he had kept it on there even though they were on hiatus.

"Harley, baby!" Joker cried through the phone.

"Hiya Mistah J," she replied.

"Are you ready to come back to daddy?" he asked.

"Maybe. Thought we'd just talk first."

"You know I've missed you and so have the babies."

"That's nice," she sighed.

"So when you coming home?"

"I don't know Mistah J. We need to talk first."

"I forgive you about the whole joke thing. You were sleeping. No big."

"Uh huh."

"Hey Kim Possible is on! It's the episode where Kimmie graduates."

"I'm watching it right now," Harley told him.

"Finally…Drakken/Shego action," Joker laughed.

"Hey Puddin'," Harley said timidly.

"Yes Pumpkin?"

"Let's get together tonight. Talk about what we need to talk about."

"I don't need to talk about anything. I told you. I forgive you."

"We'll have dinner at the Iceberg Lounge," she continued ignoring his comment. "Ozzie has been hassling us to go more often and we can hammer out some things."

"Alright. You name the time."

"How about 8:00 ish? Beat the dinner crowd but get in before the drinkers."

"Deal. See you there baby doll."

"See you there."

Joker hung up.

Harley looked sadly at her phone. "No I love you huh?"


	4. No More I Love Yous

**Author's Thoughts** I definitely thinking that every chapter will be a song title. It started off as a fluke and then it was a joke to me but now it just seems right. I'm also thinking of making it more than one story. Do it in book for or something. This is getting longer than I thought.

Harley sat at her usual table at the Iceberg Lounge and drummed her fingers. It was 8:27. He was late. He didn't call. He didn't send a waitress over with an apology. He didn't care. Harley sighed. "This sucks."

"What's a pretty girl like you doing all alone?"

Harley looked up hoping to see Joker but instead she found Edward Nigma. She smiled politely and shrugged.

Eddie took a seat and smiled back at her. "I'm guessing you're waiting for someone."

"Yeah. But it seems he ain't showing," she replied, tears filling her eyes.

"His loss. He's missing out on one killer dress," Eddie joked.

Harley smiled a little. "It ain't that great."

"On the contrary, it's a knockout," he argued. "Get up and give me a spin."

She stood up and did a little twirl and he whistled. She sat back down and smoothed out her red mini dress.

"You're too kind," she said.

" Just trying to make you feel better," he told her. "So, Joker then?" He didn't have to ask. He knew. Everyone knew.

"Yepperz," she replied sadly.

Before Eddie could say anything there was a commotion at the door. Both he and Harley looked over that way and weren't surprised to see Joker arguing with the hostess.

"Mr. Joker sir, you can't bring them in here. Mr. Cobblepot will kill me!" she pleaded.

Joker continued to walk into the club, hyenas pulling him. "Sorry, they seem to want to join the party!" he joked.

Oswald Cobblepot walked out of his office thoroughly annoyed. "What is this hub bub?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Cobblepot," the hostess said.

"Ozzie! Looking good," Joker laughed.

"Joker what are you doing and what are these dogs doing in here?" Oswald asked/

"I tried to tell him," the hostess began.

"I thought the hyenas could use a little exercise and since I'm meeting Harley here…"

"I don't allow dogs in my club Joker."

"You let Catwoman in," he whined.

"She's not an animal, she's a woman."

"Yeah but have you looked at her?" Joker joked.

"Just go sit down. I do believe miss Quinn is here somewhere," Oswald told him in frustration.

"Thanks Ozzie! You're a peach," Joker replied as he walked away.

"From now on Layla," Oswald said to the hostess, "just let Joker in no matter what. I don't care if he's wearing a Batman costume with a utility belt made of C4. I just don't have the energy to argue with him."

Layla nodded and went back to her post. She needed to find a new job.

Joker and the hyenas made their way over to where Harley sat. "Hey there Pumpkin!" he cried, letting go of the leash which freed the hyenas to run off. "Oh well," he sighed.

Harley and Eddie watched them run off and jump an unsuspecting couple who were dining on steak. Eddie grimaced as the hyenas ripped apart the meat and gave the couple a menacing look.

"Eddie…didn't know you were joining us," Joker remarked. His usual smile faded and his more sinister one danced across his face.

"I'm not. I was just keeping Harley company until you showed up," Eddie replied getting up from the table. "Have a nice evening. Night Harley."

Joker watched Edward leave and then took his seat. "How nice of him."

"You're late," Harley said sadly.

"I was busy."

"Too busy for me huh?" she asked.

Joker rolled his eyes. "I'm here aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are," she replied smiling a bit.

"So why am I here? I already forgave you."

"I told you, we need to talk."

"About what?!" he cried.

Harley looked down at the table and sat quietly.

Joker sighed and threw his hands in the air in frustration. "I don't have time to sit around and play silent treatment."

"I love you, Puddin'," she said looking him dead in the eye.

"Is that what you needed to say? I had to get all dressed up, come out to the Iceberg Lounge, blow off a night of fun and games so you can tell me you love me?" he asked aggravated.

"That's all you're going to say?"

"What else do you want from me Harl?"

Harley got up from the table and grabbed her purse. She started to walk away and Joker grabbed her wrist.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Home," she replied plainly.

"Alright. Let me get the kids and we'll grab a cab."

"No Pudd…Joker," she said firmly.

Joker looked at her. She never called him Joker. It was always Puddin' or Mistah J. Never Joker.

"I'm going to my home with Red."

"How long is this hiatus going to last?" he asked letting her wrist go and jumping to his feet. The whole Iceberg Lounge was watching them. This was a moment in Iceberg Lounge history.

"The hiatus is over. The show's been cancelled," she replied walking to the doors.

Joker followed her. "What are you saying?!"

Harley stopped, turned around to face him, and shook her head. "It means we're through. Over. Finished! **DONE!!!!**" she yelled. "We're not we anymore. There's you and there's me," she added. The tears were welling up again. She wasn't going to let them fall. She wasn't going to let him see her weak anymore. "See you around." And with that, Harley left the Iceberg Lounge, hailed a cab, and went home.

Ivy sat on the couch in her apartment next to Selina. The two had bumped into each other at the mall and decided to head back to her place to chat. "I can't imagine where Harley is. She didn't call to say she was leaving," Ivy told her.

The door opened as soon as she finished her sentence and Harley stepped in. She looked at Ivy and Selina and didn't say a word.

"There she is. Where've you been?" Ivy asked.

Harley didn't say anything. She bit her lower lip and started to walk to her room.

"Harl? Are you ok?" Ivy asked worried now.

She didn't say anything she just ran the rest of the way to her room and slammed the door. She threw herself onto her bed.

Ivy and Selina jumped to their feet and followed her. They stood outside the door with their ears pressed to it.

"Harley?" Ivy tried again.

The only response she got was the sound of Annie Lennox's No More I Love Yous. Ivy leaned her forehead against the door.

"Oh girl," she sighed.

"What's wrong with her?" Selina asked.

"Heartbreak," Ivy said plainly.

"What do we do?"

"Nothing," she replied sadly. "Come one. Let's leave her alone."

The two walked back to the living room and sat down on the couch. Neither said a word.


	5. Paint It Black

**author's note** I appreciate the review! It was very nice. I'm hoping to get more and I'm also hoping to post up my new Batman fan fiction which is going to be a little darker and more dramatic. And I swear this is getting funnier. I figure I'd get all the depressing stuff out of the way and make it clear for good times.

"So she's single?" Bruce Wayne asked as he sipped his glass of red wine.

"That's what I'm saying," Selina replied. "She told Joker off and now she's hold up in her room."

"I don't like this."

"Why? We may get a sane version of the girl," Selina joked.

"No, I mean you living with them."

"Here we go again," she muttered.

"I just don't get why you couldn't ask for the money or even move in with me."

"Bruce, I told you, I don't feel comfortable taking your money and we've just started dating. Moving in together would be a big mistake," she explained.

He rolled his eyes.

"Hey! There'll be none of that," she told him pointing her fork at him.

"Alright. I still don't like it."

"I know you hate my friendship with the rogues."

They sat silent for a moment, each nibbling at their food. It was supposed to be a special night. A night without crime, a night without arguing. So far they had argued about which restaurant to go to, which car to take, Selina's living arrangements, and the dress she chose to wear ("A backless dress will cause a riot. These are rich stiffs, not the rogues gallery." Bruce told her. "That's why we should go to the Iceberg!" she argued.) And last but not least the third glass of wine Selina chose to have.

"Some night," she sighed.

"Do you think she'd try to kill herself?" Bruce asked.

"Who? Harley?"

"Yeah."

"No, I don't think she's the type," Selina replied.

"When did they break up?"

"She DUMPED him about four days ago," she said, stressing the dumped part.

"And she's still in her room blasting the Annie Lennox?"

"No, I mean she's still in her room but the Annie Lennox has changed. It was Sinead O'Conner the other day and yesterday it was Kidney Thieves."

"Kidney Thieves?"

"You've never heard of the Kidney Thieves?" she asked in disbelief.

"No, I can't say that I have."

"They do this song, Crazy, here," she said as she pulled out her phone and dialed Harley's number. She pressed the phone up to Bruce's ear.

♪_Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue. I knew, you'd love me as long as you wanted. And someday, you'd leave me for somebody new. Worry, why do I let myself worry. Wondering, what in the world should I do. Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you. I'm crazy for trying, crazy for crying, and I'm crazy for loving you._**_♪_**

Bruce gave Selina a funny look. "What is that?"

"Harley's ringback tone," she replied plainly.

"No I mean that music. It's so, I don't even know."

"It's called rock. Sorry it's not opera," she joked.

"Doesn't it worry you she didn't answer her phone?"

"Not really. She probably didn't hear it. You should hear how loud she plays her radio."

flash over to Harley dancing around her room to The Time Warp. Her cell phone is playing U Ur Hand by Pink and lighting up. Selina's name is on the caller ID but Harley can't hear it

"I see. Still, with her mood I'd be worried."

Selina sat her fork down onto the table and stared at Bruce.

"What?" he asked.

"You are worried aren't you?"

"What? No. I mean…no."

"You are!"

"You're sitting here telling me about how sad she is and how she's been playing all these sad songs and not coming out her room. Then you call her and she doesn't answer! The only thing I can think of is her lying on her bed bleeding from her wrists and listening to Requiem of a Dream!" Bruce explained.

"Oh my god, you are pathetic."

They sat quietly. Bruce fuming about being called pathetic and Selina itching to tell every rogue that Batman worried about them.

"She kissed me," Bruce finally said.

"Excuse me?" Selina asked.

"A few years ago. I was taking her back to Arkham and she kissed me. Twice. Dick was there, so was Poison Ivy. If you don't believe me ask them," he explained.

Selina gave him the death glare.

"It wasn't bad. Put a smile on my face, that's for sure."

"Get the check. We're leaving," she commanded.

"Why?"

"I want to make sure your girlfriend isn't dead. I want to kill her myself."

* * *

Harley decided to move her dance party into the living room. She cranked on the stereo and put her dance mix on. She loved having the apartment to herself and after four days of depression it was time to pull herself together. She put on her favorite pair of pants (black and leather), her favorite shirt (black sleeveless with Rock & Roll written in white across the chest), and her favorite boots (black heeled).

She danced into the kitchen to Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard and opened the fridge. She pulled out a beer and cracked it open.

♪_Pour some sugar on me. In the name of love. I'm hot, sticky, sweet. From my head to my feet._**_ ♪_**

Harley decided to jump up on the kitchen table and do a little Coyote Ugly style dance when the door opened and Bruce and Selina stepped in.

"See, she's fine," Selina said.

"I'll say," he replied.

Selina gave him the death glare again.

Harley continued dancing, completely unaware of Bruce and Selina until the music stopped.

"Hey! What the hell…lo," she said.

"Feeling better?" Selina asked.

"Much," she replied hopping off the table. "Hiya!" she said the Bruce.

"Hi, Bruce Wayne," he said.

"Harley," she told him shaking his hand.

"Where's Pamela?" Selina asked.

"Red? She said she had to run to the store but that was a couple of hours ago so I'm guessing she made a stop at the Iceberg or at Harvey's place."

"Harvey? As in Harvey Dent? Why would she go there?" Selina asked.

"They're in love but currently they're broken up but Red says they were never dating, they just had a fling but she seemed pretty miffed that he didn't call after they fought," Harley explained.

Bruce looked at Selina in confusion. "Did you catch that?"

"Unfortunately I did."

* * *

"Harley?" Poison Ivy called through Harley's bedroom door. "I'm going to the store."

There was no response so she just left. She hated to lie to Harley but she didn't want to admit that she was going to see Harvey.

Ivy walked out of the apartment building and hailed a cab. She gave the driver the address and mentally planned out what she would say when she got there.

"Big date?" the driver asked.

"No. Not really," she replied.

"Just thought cuz you was all dressed up."

Ivy looked down at herself. He was right. She was rather dressed up. She hadn't done it on purpose. She just picked out something nice. She always seemed to be dressed up when she'd go to meet Harvey. He had commented on it every time. She smoothed out her black dress.

"You look nice though," the cab driver continued.

"Thank you," she replied. She started to play with her hair. Originally she was going to pull it up but then she decided to let it hang down in loose curls. She never knew what to do with her hair. She also never knew what to wear and not she was getting chilly. She should have grabbed a jacket but she thought that since it was August she would be fine without. "It's just nerves," she told herself. "You're fine."

The car stopped, she paid the driver, and got out. The can sped off and she stood there on the curb. She looked at the door to the old abandoned house which was Harvey Dent's current hideout. She walked to the door and stopped.

"This is crazy," she said. "Just go home." She turned to leave and then she heard the door open.

"Leaving so soon?" Harvey asked.

"Well, I thought it would be rude to drop by without calling," she replied, her back still facing him.

"That's some dress," he commented. "Must be chilly without a coat or sleeves."

"Not really," she told him. A chill ran down her spine and her body trembled. "Damn," she cursed under her breath.

"Want to come in?" he asked.

She didn't say anything. She just turned around and walked inside the house.

Harvey smirked and closed the door behind them.

"I'm not staying. I just came to say what I got to say and them I'm leaving," she told him.

"Ok, go on then."

"Well…"she began, "I guess I'm sorry I said what I did on the phone."

"And?"

"And I'm sorry that I didn't tell Harley and I'm also sorry that I made you feel bad about how I feel about you. I'm really not embarrassed by you or your lesser half."

"Anything else?"

"That was all."

"Goodnight then," he said walking out of the room.

"Goodnight then? What the hell is that?" she asked following him.

"You said you weren't staying. You were just telling me what you had to say and then you were leaving. You said that was all you had to say."

"You…you're….you….you infuriate me!" she yelled as she turned to leave.

Harvey reached out and wrapped his arm around her waste, pulling her to him. "I like it when you get all riled up," he whispered in her ear.

Ivy struggled against him and then gave up. She leaned her head back onto his chest and smiled. "Evil," she said.

"I am not. I'm conflicted."

"Why didn't you call me?" she asked.

"I was afraid," admitted pulling her into the living room.

"Afraid of what?" she asked as they took a seat on the couch.

"You, what you might say."

"Aw…I scare you," she joked.

"You're very scary," he said nuzzling her neck.

She smiled. "Why Mr. Dent, what are you doing?" she asked playfully.

He pushed her down and climbed on top of her. "I think we need to make up for lost time."


	6. The Joker

The Joker

The Joker

**Author's Note **Guess what this chapter is about. Ha! Anyway…my internet connection has been taken so chapters may take longer to be posted. But I will not stop writing mostly because if I do my friend Kittie may kidnap and beat me. Great….now I have The Joker by Steve Miller Band stuck in my head…this is why song titles are dangerous for fan fiction. On with the show!

"Morning pussycat," Bruce Wayne purred into Selina's ear.

Selina fluttered her eyes open and looked at the clock. "More like good afternoon," she replied.

"It's only 11:00 am."

"Still afternoon. I wonder if Harley made breakfast," she said as she sat up.

"Harley makes breakfast?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah…she makes mean chocolate chip pancakes." Selina got out of bed and dressed herself. "Come on. Get up Mr. Wayne."

"Alright," he sighed getting up and getting dressed.

"I hope Ivy doesn't mind you spent the night."

They walked out Selina's bedroom and into the kitchen where Harley was indeed making breakfast…or lunch rather. Either way…it was chocolate chip pancakes.

"Afternoon sleepy heads," Harley sang.

"Ivy not up yet?" Selina asked.

"Red ain't here."

"She didn't come home?"

"Nopperz. I'm thinking her and Harvey had a lot to catch up on. If you catch my drift." Harley explained.

"That's the image I need in the morning," Bruce whispered to Selina.

Selina held back the laugh. "Maybe you should call her."

"I did. I got her voicemail." Harley replied plating a few pancakes and tossing them onto the table.

"And you're not worried?" Bruce asked.

"Are you kidding? If Ivy's been taken God help them."

Bruce looked at Selina and she shrugged.

"So what are you up to today?" Selina asked Harley.

"Nothing. I thought I might go shopping. Maybe hit the Iceberg tonight."

"Fun fun." Selina replied.

Harley plopped down at the table with her own plate of pancakes. "So what are you doing today?"

"Sitting around here I suppose. Bruce has to work and tonight I think I'll stay in," Selina replied.

"Actually I'm not due in today. No meetings and no paperwork." Bruce told her.

"Well aren't you lucky."

"I should get home though. I need to shower and change," he said.

"You do smell a little," Selina joked.

"Thanks honey," he replied getting up.

Selina got up and walked him to the door with Harley close behind.

"Give me a call if you want to grab dinner or something."

"Don't you mean when I want to grab dinner?" he joked.

She gave him a quick kiss and opened the door. Ivy stumbled in backwards from the hallway with Harvey. She pulled her lips off his and blushed.

"Morning girls," Ivy said.

"Afternoon," Harley corrected.

"Harvey you know Harley and Selina…oh and Bruce Wayne," Ivy muttered.

"Hello," Harvey said, turning a bit pink himself.

"Oh! Harvey! Just the guy I need!" Harley cried pulling him in.

Harvey looked at her like she was nuts, even more so than usual, and gave Ivy a curious look.

"I need a huge favor," Harley continued.

"Shoot," he replied.

"Can you go over to Mist…Joker's place and get the rest of my stuff. I'm afraid to go over there myself," Harley explained.

Harvey sighed and thought. He had to pull out the coin and give it a quick toss.

"Yeah…I can," he finally replied.

Harley threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "You're the best!"

"Uh huh," he replied walking toward the door. "Come on Bruce."

"What?" Bruce asked in shock.

"I'm not going over there by myself," Harvey replied.

Selina bit her lip. "Harvey really, it's better if you don't take him."

"Joker won't kill him. I promise I'll bring him back in one not mutated piece."

Bruce gave Selina a look that clearly said "Help me" as Harvey pulled him out the door.

"Have fun you two," Ivy cooed from the doorway.

When the boys rounded the corner Selina shut the door and turned to face Ivy and Harley. "They're goners. You know this right?"

"They'll be fine," Ivy replied slipping her shoes off.

"So you and Harvey are back together again?" Harley asked.

"We're sleeping together if that's what you mean," Ivy replied.

Harley rolled her eyes headed toward her room. "I'm going shopping."

* * *

Harvey and Bruce stood outside and old warehouse that was now Joker's hideout. Harvey looked at Bruce and Bruce looked at Harvey.

"He's your friend," Bruce said.

"He isn't my friend. He's my girlfriend's best friend's ex-boyfriend," Harvey replied.

"You still know him better, you knock."

"Do you have any idea what could happen if I knock on the Joker's door without calling? We could be sprayed with acid, catapulted to Albuquerque, or worse, doused with Smile-X."

"Call him then," Bruce told him.

"Yeah, I guess," Harvey said pulling out his phone. He flipped it open and searched the contact's list for Joker.

Bruce looked over and noted that the screen said "Calling Jackass". He had to laugh.

"Oh my God," Harvey said shaking his head.

"What?"

"Listen," he replied hitting the speaker phone button.

_It's not over tonight. Just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you._

"You think he misses Harley?" Bruce asked sarcastically.

"What do you want Two Face?" Joker asked from the phone.

"Hey Jack-Y boy, how's it going?" Harvey asked.

"What the hell do you want Harv?" he asked a little angrier.

"Harley sent me to get the rest of her things. I'm standing outside your place right now," Harvey replied.

Joker hung up the phone and the front door opened.

"Guess we can come in," Harvey said sarcastically.

They stepped inside and walked into the room to their right where a TV was on. Joker sat on the couch, foot propped on the coffee table with a bottle of red nail polish. A couple if his toes were already red.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Harvey asked in confusion.

Bruce raised his eyebrow and knew that the next time he fought Joker as Batman he would have the image of Joker painting his toenails dancing around his head.

"What? It's Cherry Drizzle!" Joker replied. "Like you don't paint your nails!"

"No," Bruce said firmly. "I really don't."

"Are you Bruce Wayne?" Joker asked.

"Yeah."

"Why are you here?"

"I really don't know," he replied honestly still unable to stop looking at Joker's red toenails.

"You're insane Joker," Harvey grumbled.

"It's relaxing," he replied. "You should give it a try."

"No way in hell am I painting my toenails," Harvey said.

**

* * *

**

**Five Minutes Later**

"I can't believe I'm painting my toenails," Harvey sighed as he put on a coat of Promiscuous Pink on his right foot.

"Told you it was relaxing," Joker replied admiring his cherry red toes.

"Who names these things?" Bruce asked as he applied his Princess Peach.

"Who knows," Joker said.

"Is this your nail polish or Harley's?" Harvey asked.

"Harley's. I just use it."

"Ok. I was a bit worried for a second."

Harvey's phone started to buzz across the coffee table. "Shit, that's Pammy."

Joker made a whip cracking noise and laughed.

"No, that would be Bruce," Harvey joked. He picked up the phone and flipped it open. "Hey Pammy."

"My back is killing me. I just can't touch my toes like I used to," Bruce said as he leaned back into the couch.

Joker picked up the bottle of Princess Peach and continued on Bruce's toes.

"Thanks," he said.

"Not a problem."

"What the hell is going on?" Harvey asked.

"What? I'm painting his nails!" Joker answered.

"Who is painting who's nails?" Ivy asked.

"What? Oh, nothing," Harvey told her.

"Oh my God, you guys are painting your nails?" she cried.

Harley was sitting on the couch next to Ivy. She raised her eyebrow and shook her head.

"We're not…I mean we really…yeah. We are," Harvey surrendered.

"What color are your toenails honey?" Ivy joked.

"Promiscuous Pink," he replied.

"Get Harley's stuff and get out," Ivy said as she hung up the phone.

Harvey closed the phone and sat it back on the table.

"Was she mad?" Bruce asked.

"No, just really confused."

Joker started laughing.

"We'll finish up and get Harley's stuff," Harvey said. "I'm not walking around with one foot of Promiscuous Pink nail polish."

* * *

"This is the bedroom. All Harley's stuff is in here," Joker said as he flipped on the light.

"Wow," Bruce said looking around. It was like some scary museum dedicated to Harley and Joker.

"Harley decorated," Joker sighed.

"Yeah, I could tell," Harvey grumbled.

Joker went over to the dresser and pulled a drawer out and tossed it onto the bed. "That's all Harley's."

"What the hell is this?" Harvey asked pulling out a pair of pink sparkly underwear.

"It's a thong," Bruce told him.

"It has diamonds instead of ass floss," Harvey said.

"Yeah, and?" Joker asked.

"That's gotta hurt when you're walking around," Harvey replied.

"It's not for walking around," Joker told him.

"Oh…nice."

Joker rolled his eyes and pulled out more clothes and tossed them onto the bed.

"Is this a vinyl corset?" Bruce asked holding up a red piece of vinyl.

"Yeah," Joker replied.

"You guys had some sex life," Bruce said shaking his head.

"Oh my god, look at these shoes," Harvey cried holding up a pair of black stilettos that clearly belonged on the stage of a strip joint.

"Harley bought those for Valentine's Day," Joker sighed.

"I'm definitely jealous," Harvey told him.

* * *

"What took you guys so long?" Selina asked as she let Bruce and Harvey in.

Harvey dropped the suitcases on the floor and pointed a finger at Harley. "You...I don't even know how you are walking right now!" he cried.

Bruce dropped his suitcases, ripped one open, and pulled out a white thong with diamonds in the back. "How many of these things do you need?" he asked in disbelief.

"And what about this?" Harvey asked pulling out the red vinyl corset. "What is this for?!"

Ivy raised her eyebrow and looked at Harley. "Nice."

"Do you own normal pajamas?!" Bruce asked.

"And I'm the one who get's locked up in Arkham," Harley muttered.


	7. I'm Like A Lawyer

I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off

**Author's Note: **Once again…really sorry about the hiatus. I'm still without internet but thankfully my friend Kittie has agreed to post my crap. Huzzah for Kittie! And I'm addicted to this song A Little Piece of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold. I was thinking about using the song title or something but now I'm definitely thinking about doing a whole Harley/Joker fic based around it. Hmmm…..we'll see.

Harley strolled into Macy's, swinging her purse by her side. She hummed a little snippet of song and unconsciously wandered into the men's department. She browsed the racks, not really sure as to why. She picked a purple button down off the rack and examined it with a sigh. She went to back up and bumped into someone.

"Sorry," she said as she turned around.

"Not at all," the man behind her replied.

"Eddie?" Harley asked.

Edward Nigma turned around to face Harley, his hands behind his back. "The one and only."

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Shopping, you?"

"I don't know," she answered as she put the shirt back on the rack.

Eddie watched her and shook his head.

"Whatcha got behind your back?" Harley asked trying to peer behind him.

"Oh, um, it's nothing….just some socks," he fumbled.

Harley grabbed the bag from behind his back and laughed. "Tighty whities huh?" she asked holding up the underwear.

"Sorry, I'm not a commando kind of guy," he replied snatching them back.

She smiled. "Well I'll see you around Mr. Nigma."

"I hope so," he replied.

* * *

A half hour later, Harley sat in the shoe department. She had a black stiletto on one foot and a more sensible black heel on the other. Now, Dr. Harleen Quinzel would pick the sensible black pump that could be worn for hours without hurting the foot and could be worn with jeans but Harley Quinn would choose the sexy black stiletto the wrapped around the ankle and would probably feel like murder to her foot. Harley looked at both feet. She hadn't been Dr. Quinzel for a long time and she really didn't feel too much like Harley Quinn anymore.

"Harley Quinzel….no….maybe Harleen Quinn. That sounds ridiculous," she muttered to herself.

"I always thought you were BPD but I see you're schitzo as well," Eddie joked.

Harley looked up at him. "Are you stalking me?"

"No…that's more of Hugo's thing. This is just a coincidence. I thought I could use a new pair of shoes."

"To go with your new undies?" she joked.

"Yes, I strut around my house in nothing but underwear and shoes," he said sarcastically.

"Thought so."

"What is your fascination with my underwear anyway?" he asked.

"I always pegged you for a boxer brief man," she replied.

Eddie laughed. "It's going to be kind of hard to walk around in those don't you think?" he asked pointing to the mismatched shoes.

"I was trying to decide which pair to get."

"I see. Which one are you going with?"

"Neither. I'm not either girl anymore," she said sadly.

* * *

An hour had passed since Eddie had bumped into Harley in the shoe department. Now he was watching her pick through the clothes in the ladies department. He was waiting for her to walk his way or glance in his direction. But he wasn't stalking her! Or at least that's what he kept telling himself.

Harley held a pink skirt up to her and threw it to the side. She then grabbed a white blouse and did the same. She could hear Eddie circling the area and she kept watching him from the corner of her eye. She had to smile, it was kind of cute.

"Do I have to get Batman?" she called to him without looking over.

"I was that obvious huh?" he asked as he walked over to her.

"No, but I'm not your average bear," she replied.

"Funny Yogi."

"Need a bra to go with those undies?"

"There you go again all fascinated by my underwear," he said.

"Can't help it. Those tighty whiteies turn me on," she joked.

Eddie turned a bit pink and looked down at his feet.

"You know," she began, "this is the third time we've bumped into each other today. The first by accident, the second by coincidence, and the third you were stalking me but still…what to you propose we do about this?" she asked.

"I say we bump into each other at the Iceberg Lounge tonight. Let's say 6:00ish?"

"Sounds good to me."

* * *

That night, around 6:00ish, Eddie sat at his usual table at the Iceberg Lounge. He'd only been there for a couple of minutes when Holly, his favorite waitress, sauntered over.

"Hey handsome, what'll it be tonight?" she asked, her curly, dark, blonde hair escaping her ponytail and falling into her dark brown eyes.

"Just a coke for now, I'll have a real drink with dinner," he replied.

"Dinner huh?"

"Yeah, Harley and I are dining together," he said.

Holly looked down at her notepad and bit her lip. "Harley Quinn Harley?" she asked nervously.

"Mmhm."

"I didn't know you guys were seeing each other," Holly replied.

"We're not. It's just a friendly dinner. We bumped into each other today and thought it would be nice to have a night out," he explained.

"Oh, alright then," she said, her smile returning to her face. "Be back with your coke."

Eddie drummed his fingers on the table and whistled. He looked at his watch; it was only 6:10. She wasn't technically late, it was still 6:00ish.

Holly walked back over and sat Eddie's coke on the table. "What time is Harley meeting you?"

"Anytime now. It was an ish," he said.

"A his huh?" she joked.

Eddie eyed her curiously. "You anagram?" he asked.

"Yeah. I like word games and crossword puzzles."

"I didn't know that," he replied.

"Holly! I need a skinny bitch quick!" Harley called from behind her.

"Coming right up Harley," she told her with a wink to Eddie.

"It was impossible getting here! I couldn't get a cab if I was standing there naked!" Harley whined as she plopped down into the chair across from Eddie.

"Not that you're too far from it," he said eyeing Harley's attire. He'd seen the dress before, on an episode of Sex and the City. He wasn't watching it, just waiting for it to be over to catch his show, or so he told himself. They called it the naked dress actually. It was skin colored, spaghetti strapped, and short. It gave the illusion of nudity.

"Here's your skinny bitch," Holly said as she sat the drink on the table. She gave Harley the once over and smiled. She then sat Harley's menu on the table and turned to give Eddie his. "Thought this wasn't a date," she whispered.

"It isn't," he replied.

"Better tell her that. I'll be back to take your orders in a jiff."

* * *

Eddie and Harley walked up the steps of her apartment holding onto each other for dear life. Eddie may have had one too many drinks but Harley had a couple of bottles of vodka too many. She leaned against him, her dress rising with every step they took.

"You know what Nigmeister?" Harley asked.

"What Quinny?"

"This was fun. We should do it more ofte oomph!" Harley sat on the floor and looked up at Eddie. "That hurt my butt."

Eddie pulled her up off the floor and helped her down the rest of the hallway. "Do you have your key on you?" he asked.

"Yeah. Hold on," she replied as she dug through her purse. She whipped out a huge clump of key chains with one key.

"Why so many key chains?" he asked.

"They say funny things."

Eddie examined one of them. It said "My boyfriend's a homicidal maniac. What's your's do?". He laughed.

"I had that one specially made."

"Of course you did," he replied.

Harley finally got the door open. "Well, goodnight Eddie," she said shyly.

"Night Miss Quinn." Eddie got halfway down the hallway when he heard Harley chasing after him.

"Hey Eddie," she called.

He stopped and turned to face her.

Harley wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself up against him. He cautiously put his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck. Harley pulled back, looked into Eddie's eyes, and kissed him.

"Night," she squeaked and she skipped back down the hallway.

"Wow."


	8. Public Affair

Public Affair

**Author's Note: **Yeah…I got nothing to say. Nothing except Billy Bob Jonah Jim! Too first names too many and one last name too few! BAM! Just for Kittie…because I can. By the way you should all read Cat Tales by Chris Dee. It's scrumtrelescent!

Harley Quinn woke up early the next morning and bounced out of bed. She danced into the kitchen and put the radio on. This was the best she had felt in a long time and it was all thanks to Edward Nigma. Who would've guessed? She popped some toaster waffles in the toaster, caught them on the pop, and danced over to the table.

"Someone is in a good mood this morning," Ivy cooed as she sauntered into the kitchen.

"I had a good night," Harley replied.

"Yeah, I heard. I'm surprised you feel this good."

"You implying something?" Harley asked.

"Me? No. Never," she replied sarcastically.

Selina stumbled into the kitchen next with her robe half off her shoulder and her hair in tangles. She wore one slipper and her little black dress.

"You look like hell," Ivy commented.

"Thank you," she replied.

"What happened?" Harley asked.

"I waited up till 3 am for Mr. Bruce Wayne. I'm exhausted and he didn't show."

"Sorry girl," Ivy said sympathetically.

"He'll be sorry when I get through with him," Selina grumbled.

* * *

Eddie lay on his couch with the blanket pulled up over his face to keep the sun out of his eyes. He may have had more than one too many last night but no matter how bad he felt he was confident that Harley felt worse. Or at least he was confident until his phone rang.

_I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile. Ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved. And she will be loved_

Eddie smiled. She wanted to talk to him already. "Hello Harley."

"Hello," she chimed. "How you feeling?"

"Worse than you apparently."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. So what's going on with you?" he asked as he sat up which he quickly deduced was a bad idea and lay back down.

"Not too much. You busy tonight?"

"No, why?" he asked.

"I was thinking date number 2," she replied.

"I could do that."

"Great! Same time same place?" she asked.

"Perfect."

"Cool beans!" and with that she hung up.

Selina eyed Harley as she closed her phone. "Who was that?" she asked

"Eddie," Harley replied.

"Eddie Nigma Eddie?"

"Yeah."

"You're dating the Riddler?" Selina asked in disbelief.

"What's the big deal?" Harley asked.

"Nothing I guess," she said. "I'm going back to bed." Selina wandered down the hallway back to her room. She closed the door and ran to her purse. She dumped it out onto her bed and pulled her cell out of the pile of crap. She flipped it open and surfed through her contacts until she found Eddie.

_

* * *

_

_Cold hard bitch .Just a kiss on the lips. And I was on my knees. I'm waitin, give me. Cold hard bitch. She was shakin' her hips. So that was all that I need._

Eddie pulled the blanket off his face and glared at his phone. "Now what?" he grumbled.

"You rang?" he asked.

"Cut the crap Nigma," Selina growled.

"What did I do?" he asked.

"What's going on with you and Harley?" she asked.

"Nothing!"

"Bull shit!"

"We went out last night and we have a second date tonight! It's all very innocent I swear!" he cried.

"I know you. I know you've had a thing for her for awhile and you've been waiting and waiting for her and Joker to have a big falling out," Selina said.

"Selina…" Eddie began.

"No, you listen! She is fragile. She will always be fragile. Joker destroyed her and if you take advantage of that…"

"I wou…" he tried.

"IF YOU HURT HER I WILL KILL YOU! Clear?"

"Crystal," he replied hiding under his blanket terrified she was outside on the fire escape.

"Good. Ivy, Bruce, Harvey, and I will be joining you two tonight. Should be fun. See you later!" she said cheerfully and she hung up.

"Crazy…they're all bonkers!"

* * *

"We're doing what tonight?" Harvey asked in shock.

"Going out with Harley, Eddie, Selina, and Bruce," Ivy said as she put her other earring in. She was sitting in front of her vanity and Harvey was on the bed. She watched his face in her mirror.

"I don't like this. Why can't we just go out?" he complained.

"I'll make you a deal. You behave tonight at dinner and you get a special desert," Ivy said with a wink.

"Food ain't gonna make me sit through this night Pammy, sorry," he replied.

Ivy sighed, shook her head, and turned to face him. "Not food you dummy."

"What else can desert mean? Oh! Yeah! I'll go through with this for that."

She shook her head again. "You're a twit some days."

Harvey got up from the bed, walked up behind her, dropped to his knees, wrapped his arms around her waist, and kissed her back.

"Not now!" she cried as she squirmed a bit.

He held her tighter the more she squirmed until finally Ivy started to laugh and she gave up.

"You're impossible," she said.

"Yeah, but you love it," he replied.

Ivy didn't say anything. She just bit her lip and looked at the ceiling.

"Oh really?" Harvey questioned.

She shrugged.

Harvey picked her up from her chair and threw her onto the bed.

"I said later!"

* * *

"Why do I have to do this?" Bruce asked as he put his suit jacket on.

"Because you stood me up last night," Selina replied.

"For the hundredth time I didn't stand you up! I was on patrol! Freeze had hostages! I couldn't just walk away!" Bruce argued.

"You didn't call."

"I don't carry my cell phone with me on patrol," he replied.

"Use a pay phone!" Selina yelled.

"The car is waiting Master Bruce," Alfred said from the doorway.

"Let's get this over with," Bruce growled.

Selina grabbed his arm as he walked toward the door. "Hey! Let's have one night where we don't fight."

Bruce turned around and hugged her. "Yes master."

"That's a good slave," she joked.

* * *

Ivy and Harvey were the first to arrive at the Iceberg Lounge. They grabbed Ivy's usual booth.

"My hair's all messed up now," she grumbled.

"I like it," Harvey replied as he nibbled at her neck.

"Do you have an off switch?" she joked.

"Behave you two," Holly said.

Ivy pushed Harvey off her and smiled at Holly. "Would you be a dear and get me a cosmopolitan and get him a beer before I strangle him? Thanks."

"Not a problem Ivy," Holly replied with a laugh.

"You're being ridiculous," Ivy told him.

Harvey's only response was to kiss her.

"Looks like we have competition," Bruce said as he and Selina approached the table.

"You two are like high school kids," Selina joked.

Ivy pushed Harvey off her once again. "He's being a child tonight."

"I won't argue there," Harvey replied.

"No Harley and Eddie yet huh?" Selina asked.

"No, not yet."

Holly walked back to the table and sat Ivy and Harvey's drinks down. "What'll it be tonight Selina?"

"Beer, two," she said plainly.

"Alright," Holly replied as she walked back to the bar.

"What if I didn't want a beer?" Bruce asked.

"You can have one drink. It won't kill you."

Bruce rolled his eyes and focused on the wall.

Ivy and Harvey exchanged looks and smiled.

"Beer here," Holly sang. "You guys eating dinner or just drinking?"

"Eating but we're waiting on Harley and Eddie," Ivy replied.

"Harley and Eddie?" Holly asked nervously.

"Yeah. We're on a triple date," Selina explained.

"So they are dating huh?"

"Mmmh hmmm," Ivy hummed.

"Well good for her. Eddie is a super guy. Excuse me." Holly walked away from the table and then trotted into the bathroom.

"The waitress has a thing for Nigma," Bruce said.

"Holly? No way," Selina replied in disbelief.

"I'm telling you, she seemed pretty upset that Nigma and Harley are dating. Ten bucks says she's crying in the bathroom."

Ivy cocked her eyebrow. "You think so eh?"

"Don't take that bet," Selina told her. "He's probably right. Hell, he's always right."

Ivy got up from the table.

"Where are you going?" Harvey asked.

"The bathroom," she replied.

"Why?"

"To check on Holly."

Selina got up from the table too and they both went into the bathroom.

Harvey shook his head and sighed. "Dames, they always have to meddle.

"Where are the girls?" Harley asked as she and Eddie approached the table.

"They went to the bathroom to check on Holly," Bruce explained.

Harley sat her purse down and ran toward the bathroom.

"Good job. Now they're all in there," Harvey grumbled.

Bruce wasn't paying attention. He was focused on Harley like the rest of the men in the Iceberg. All the rogue women were something to look at. Selina had a knockout figure, Ivy was all kinds of gorgeous, and Harley was a classic beauty. But tonight Harley was in a dark white, backless dress, and white heels. And being that the dress was backless that meant she was braless.

"And just think, that's all mine," Eddie joked.

"Wow. You shouldn't let her out like that. She could cause an accident," Harvey said.

"What's wrong with Holly?" Eddie asked.

"Holly? Oh nothing. Girl stuff, you know," Harvey replied. It was best to keep this whole Holly business from him.

A few minutes later all the girls emerged from the bathroom. None of them said anything about what happened in there.

"So what are we all getting to eat?" Ivy asked.

"Steak," Harvey replied.

"That actually sounds good. I might nibble on your's," Ivy said.

"I hate it when you do that. You always eat the whole damn thing."

"What did I say about behaving?"

"If I behave tonight I get to have sex," Harvey told the table.

Ivy went beat red and the guys smiled.

"You're an ass," she said.

"I'm your ass."

"At least you get some. I'm in the doghouse," Bruce said.

"We don't have to discuss our private life in public," Selina warned.

"I make one mistake and I'm going to be punished for the next month," Bruce complained. This was her punishment for dragging him here. He was going to make it as uncomfortable for her as possible.

"Women are like that," Harvey said.

"Oh really?" Ivy asked sarcastically.

"I can live without sex," Selina began. "Besides I haven't had good sex in oh I don't know, how many months have we been dating Bruce?"

"Funny! Hilarious. You're a real scream tonight," he replied.

"How bout you Eddie? Gotten anywhere with Blondie there?" Harvey asked.

"Harvey!" Ivy cried hitting him with a menu.

"In the cab on the way over," Harley replied.

Eddie turned pink, sank down into the chair, and hid behind his menu. "Oh look! The have ice cream for desert."

* * *

"I can't believe you!" Selina yelled.

Bruce threw back the sheets on his bed and gave Selina the Batman look. "You can't believe me? I can't believe you! You drag me to dinner and then you tell them all how bad of a lay I am!"

Selina crossed her arms and said nothing.

"I have to fight these people! The next time I face the Riddler I'll be thinking of him in the back of a cab with Harley who I can never face as Batman again because I've seen her in so many little outfits I'll be thinking naughty thoughts!"

"Are you finished?" Selina asked.

"Yeah, I'm finished."

"Good. Now get into bed," she ordered.

"Why should I?" he asked.

"Because I'm about to make this whole night up to you."

Bruce kicked off his slippers and got into bed.

Selina smiled and then she caught sight of his toes. "Are you wearing nail polish?"


	9. Teardrops On My Guitar

Teardrops On My Guitar

Eddie sat at the bar at the Iceberg Lounge. Usually he avoided the bar. Hugo Strange, Killer Croc, and Tom Blake usually sat at the bar. The miserable, pathetic, loners that none of the other rogues talked to. But tonight Holly was behind the bar and Eddie was alone.

"So where's the little lady?" Holly asked him.

"Harley? She had some stuff to get done tonight," he replied.

cut to Harley, Ivy, and Selina sitting on the couch at home eating pints of ice cream and watching Witches of Eastwick

"That sucks," she said.

"Yeah. A bit."

Eddie and Harley had been dating for two weeks and this was his first night alone. He decided to spend a cozy night at home with a good movie. After a half hour he began to get lonely and then he panicked. He practically ran all the way down to the Iceberg.

"Holly!" Joker whined from the end of the bar.

"Coming hon. Duty calls," she said.

Eddie watched her walk down to the Joker. He had his face buried in his arms and an empty glass in his hand. Eddie sighed and shook his head. A sad clown was a sad sight.

"He's been in here every night since Harley booted him. Mr. Cobblepot feels so bad for him he lets him drink for free," Holly told him.

"Wow."

"Yeah, and he likes to tell stories. Last night Ron heard the story of how he and Harley met for the millionth time. He finally called Joker a cab and sent him on his way."

"Great my girlfriend drives men to the sauce," Eddie joked.

"You could be next. Be careful."

"I don't know how he let things get so bad with her. She's amazing."

Holly turned around and wiped a glass. She didn't want to hear this. She'd rather listen to Joker cry about Harley than Eddie telling her how great Harley is.

"I mean she's a total knockout. Not just the way she looks but the whole package. She's smart. Man is she smart. She puts on this front that she's a ditz but really she's a genius. She plays the poor innocent girl to fool you. To get what she wants. And she's funny. She makes me laugh so hard it hurts."

"Holly!" Joker cried again.

"Saved." She thought. "One sec Eddie." She sauntered back down to Joker.

"I think you should ease up babe. You're hitting the bottle a little too hard tonight."

"Who are you talking to down there?" he asked.

"Eddie," she replied.

"Eddie? Well then," Joker got up from his stool and walked down to the empty on next to Eddie. He slapped him on the back. "Eddie! How you been?"

Eddie rolled his eyes and sighed. "Great. You?"

"Good good. Well, pretty good. You know me and Harley split," Joker said.

Eddie could smell the alcohol on his breath and his clothes. It was like he bathed in it and gargled it. "You did huh?"

"Uh huh. She took off but I was about to drop her anyway. She was getting too clingy again."

"You don't say," Eddie replied rolling his eyes.

Holly walked over to them and smiled. "How about something eat babe?" she asked Joker.

"I'm not hungry," he replied.

"You should really eat," Eddie said.

"Buck up camper," Holly said. "You'll find someone new. Eddie found a girl."

Eddie looked at her with panicked eyes.

Holly didn't know why she said what she said next but she knew what would happen when she did. "Yeah, tall, blonde, blue eyes, a real knockout."

"Really?" Joker asked. "Who is she?"

"No one really," he said nervously.

"Don't be shy Eddie. Tell him about you and Harley."

Joker stood up and towered over Eddie. "Harley? Harley! My Harley?!"

"No, maybe, yes!" he cried.

Joker grabbed Eddie by the shirt and threw him out the door. "I'll kill you Nigma!" he yelled.

Eddie laid on the ground with his hands up in surrender. "Joker please! It was an accident," he begged.

"Accident? Bull! You've had your eye on her for too long now! I'll make it so you never eye anything again!" Joker lunged for Eddie but he was too quick. Eddie jumped up off the ground and ran down the street. He hailed a cab and jumped in.

Joker tried to follow but got rather dizzy rather quickly and had to grab onto a street light to hold him up.

Holly came running out of the Iceberg. She walked over to Joker and threw his arm around her shoulder. "Come on big guy. Let's get you home."


	10. Before He Cheats

Before He Cheats

**Author's Note: **Hi! Getting close to the end here. Scary isn't it? But have no fear my friends there is more to come. That's right! I have started book 2! Woot Woot!

"So what are you doing again?" Selina asked Bruce as she applied mascara with her free hand.

"JLA business. I can't give you anymore detail than that," he replied.

Selina scrunched her nose and sighed.

"Don't give me that look," he said.

"How do you know I'm giving you a look? We're on the phone," she replied.

"I know you and I know that sigh. It means you've scrunched your nose and raised an eyebrow."

"Damn you."

"I expect you to behave tonight," he said.

"I'm hanging with the girls so have no fear captain," she joked.

"Hanging with the girls is supposed to make me feel better?"

"Hush you."

"You called me," he told her.

"Very true."

"I got to go."

"Please be careful. I worry about you," she begged.

"Yes mom."

"Bruce! I'm serious."

"I love you," he replied.

"I love you too."

She sat her phone on her nightstand and sighed. JLA business worried her. It always worried her. JLA business meant some intergalactic force or some crazy mastermind. She liked Gotham business. That just meant some loony in a costume robbing the bank or what not.

"You almost ready in there?" Ivy called through the door.

"Yeah, give me one second," Selina replied.

"I'm hungry!" Harley whined.

"Hold on girl," Ivy ordered.

Selina stepped out of her bedroom and joined the other two in the living room. "So where are we going?"

"Not the Iceberg," Ivy said. "I'm tired of that place."

"Me too," Harley agreed.

"That makes three of us then," Selina joined.

"Where else can we go?" Harley asked.

"How about Venice?" Selina offered.

"The city?" Harley asked.

"No, the Italian restaurant downtown. They have great food."

"I could do Italian," Ivy replied.

"Venice it is."

* * *

"It's nice to have a girl's night out," Ivy said as they walked in the front door of Venice.

"It's just nice to be somewhere other than the Iceberg or home," Harley replied.

"Agreed. Bruce and I haven't been out in forev…" Selina stopped. There, at the corner table, sat Bruce Wayne and a woman. A woman that Selina did not recognize.

Selina walked over to the table, crossed her arms, and said "Well?"

"Selina!" Bruce cried.

"Hello," the woman said.

Selina eyed her. She was vaguely familiar. She had raven hair, blue eyes, fair skin. "Hello."

"Diana this is my friend Selina Kyle. Selina this is Diana," Bruce said.

"Diana huh? J Business is good to you huh?" Selina said sarcastically.

"Selina," Bruce began.

Harley and Ivy joined Selina at the table.

"Girls this is Diana. She's Bruce's…actually I don't know who she is."

"She's a friend," Bruce replied.

Diana now raised an eyebrow. As far as she knew she was Bruce's date.

"Like I'm your friend Bruce?" Selina asked.

Bruce noticed Harley touching her thigh and he started to get nervous. He could see the outline of a knife under her dress and god knows what was in her purse and she was eyeing Diana. "Selina please."

"I'm his girlfriend Selina Kyle or at least I was," Selina growled.

"Funny, I'm his date Diana," Diana said as she got up from the table.

"You're a bastard!" Selina cried as she walked away with Harley and Ivy on her heels.

All the women walked out into the parking lot with Bruce close behind.

"Wait," he called out.

Selina stopped and turned but Bruce wasn't calling out to her. Instead he was running over to Diana. She was trying to get into her car but he wasn't letting her. She pushed him but he only grabbed her. Finally she stopped struggling and he held her.

"Fuck you," Selina growled to herself. "Let's go home."

* * *

"Selina it's me, Bruce. I'm really sorry about last night. I want to explain but not on your voice mail. Please call me back. Diana is just…alright….she was my date but I don't want to be with her. She knows about the whole Batman thing. She's a member of the JLA I swear. Call me please."

Selina scoffed and closed her phone. "Who is she? Wonder Woman?"

"I'm home," Harley called from the door.

"Joy joy," Selina replied.

"And guess what I got."

"What?" Selina asked.

"Many, many, many bottles of Arbor Mist. Time to get drunk!" Harley squealed.

"Harley I don't think Selina wants to drink away her problems," Ivy said.

"The hell I don't," Selina replied grabbing a bottle from Harley. She cracked it open and started to chug.

* * *

A couple of hours later all three women were sufficiently wasted. They weren't sure who thought of it or when but they were now all getting dressed in black to go destroy Bruce Wayne's car.

"We need a way to get up there," Selina said. "It's a long walk."

"We'll take Eddie's car!" Harley cried.

"Ok, you call him," Ivy told her.

"I don't have to. We'll just take it."

"Won't he be mad?" Selina asked.

"I won't tell him."

* * *

Edward Nigma sat on his couch on the phone with Jervis Tetch. Who had called him in a frenzy because…well….Eddie wasn't sure why. He wasn't listening at that point.

"So, do you want to go to the Iceberg?" Jervis asked.

"No, I can't. If I step foot in there and the Joker is in there I'm dead."

"Is she really worth all this trouble Ed?" he asked.

"Definitely."

"She is a looker. I'd love to toss her into a blue dress and white apron."

"Stay away from Harley. I'd hate to hurt you," Eddie replied. "Wait. What was that?!" he cried.

"What was what?" Jervis asked.

"Hold on. It sounded like my car. It was my car! Someone stole my car!"

"Isn't that ironic?"

"What the deuce!?" Eddie yelled.

"What are you going to do?"

"Call….call….damn! I can't call the cops because they'll arrest me and well we have no one to call. This is ridiculous! Jervis we're going to find my car!"

"We? What we? There is no we here!" Jervis said.

"There is to a we! You're my best friend!"

"When did that happen?" Jervis asked in confusion.

"When someone stole my car!"

* * *

"Are you sure he won't notice?" Ivy asked.

"Nah! It's all good," Harley replied as she swerved into on coming traffic.

"Watch it girl! We don't want the cops after us," Selina growled.

"Right!" Harley replied.

"Who let her drive?" Selina asked.

"You and I don't drive stick. She's the only one who can," Ivy explained.

"Oh yeah. Damn."

* * *

After a few wrong turns and a few near accidents they finally reached Wayne manor. The three of them stood outside the gate and peered in.

"Where is his car?" Ivy asked.

"He's got a few and they're in the garage."

"Where's the garage?" Harley asked.

"Behind the house."

"How do we get in?" Ivy questioned.

"We go over the fence."

"Easy for you two," Ivy replied.

"Here Red," Harley said as she crouched down.

Ivy stepped into her hand and Harley launched her over the fence. Ivy landed with a thud. Harley backed up a couple of feet, started to run, and bounded over the gate. Selina climbed over and dropped onto the ground next to them.

"Now be very quiet," Selina warned.

"We're hunting rabbits!" Harley joked.

"Quiet chuckle head!"

"Sorry Kittie," she replied like a scolded child.

* * *

Selina carved into the seats of the black Porsche. Harley took out the lights. Ivy keyed the sides and Selina painted over the windshield. Harley thought it would be fun to do the old potato in the tail pipe and Selina finished the job by slashing all four tires.

"That'll teach him," Selina said after they finished.

They started to walk back to the car when the lights all went on.

"RUN!" Ivy screamed as they all took off for the gate.

"No time to go over!" Harley yelled as she broke it open.

"Good job Harl," Selina commended.

Harley slid over the hood of the car and jumped into the driver's seat. Ivy crawled into the front and Selina dove into the back.

"Drive! Drive!" Ivy ordered.

* * *

It was 6 AM and Harley, Ivy, and Selina were sitting in a booth at the Waffle House. Harvey and Eddie strolled up to the table.

"Told ya I found the car," Harvey said.

"I can't believe you three," Eddie replied.

Harley smiled innocently and shoved another waffle in her mouth.

Selina groaned. "Orange juice, food, please."

Ivy sat up straight, her arms crossed, with her sunglasses on.

"She seems ok," Eddie commented.

"Oh no, she's comatose. Watch," Harvey said. He walked up behind her and started to shake her. "Wake up Pammy. Come on." He pushed her forward, he pulled her hair, and he even flailed her arms. "See, comatose."

"Amazing," Eddie replied.

"Indeed."

"So where's my car?" Eddie asked Harley.

"Here, I'll take you," Harley replied.

They walked out to the parking lot and there was Eddie's car. Or at least what was left of it. The back passenger door was missing, the top was now a makeshift convertible, there was a headlight falling out, a tail light taped back on, a Bat symbol painted on the hood, and he was pretty sure the trunk was welded shut.

Eddie dropped to his knees, grabbed his hair, and yelled into the sky.


	11. Fall to Pieces

Fall To Pieces

**Author's Note:** Yeah, I got nothin'.

It had been a couple of days since the car incident and Eddie had forgiven the girls and Bruce never called the cops. Selina sat on the railing of the balcony, her feet dangling over the edge. The sun was starting to set and the only thing she could think of was calling Bruce. She'd already deleted him from her cell phone but the number was permanently burned into her brain.

Ivy stepped onto the balcony and leaned against the wall. "You going to be alright?" she asked.

"I'll be fine," Selina replied as she turned to face her. "You look spiffy."

"Another classy night at the Iceberg Lounge," Ivy replied sarcastically. "I'll be home later if Harley asks. I'm not sure if she's coming home or not. She's been spending a lot of time at Eddie's. It kind of worries me."

"It shouldn't. Eddie's a good guy."

"Yeah, but he's still a guy. And Harley has a bad track record with guys."

"Don't worry about her. Go have fun with Harv," Selina said as she hopped off the railing and walked into the apartment.

"Alright. If you need anything call."

"I will," she replied. "Have fun."

* * *

"You seem preoccupied," Harvey said.

Ivy snapped up and looked at him. "I'm sorry?"

"I said you seem preoccupied. What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know," she replied with a laugh.

"What a conundrum."

"No, I'm just thinking about how much everything has changed. Harley left Joker and started up with Eddie, Selina and Bruce split, then there's you and me. I just wonder what will happen next. I'm kind of scared," she explained.

Harvey reached across the table and grabbed Ivy's hand. "You shouldn't be. You and me, we're solid."

"Selina and Bruce were solid."

"Selina is one of us and Bruce is one of them," Harvey said pointing to a couple of civilians sitting a couple of tables over. "They weren't meant to be."

"Who said we were?" she joked.

Harvey smiled and squeezed her hand tighter. "I love you."

* * *

Selina was bored. She wanted to put on her costume and prowl but a run in with Batman wasn't what she needed right now. She waltzed down the hallway and noticed Ivy's door was cracked. "I've never been in here." She walked in and was surprised to find it mostly void of plants. There was a small rose bush in the corner but that was it. The bed was large and the bed spread wasn't green but white with blue flowers. It was classy. She had a vanity on the opposite wall. It was white too and had cosmetics spread across the top.

Her next stop was Harley's room. "Wow!" she exclaimed as she stepped in. The bed was covered in clothes at the moment, you couldn't even see the sheets. Above the bed hung a poster of Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's; on the opposite wall hung Marilyn Monroe. Harley had a vanity too and on her mirror was a picture of Edie Sedgwick smiling and laughing and on the table top, in a frame, was a picture of Bettie Page. Selina looked at the walls and noticed there were other pinups and actresses. There was even a picture of Marie Antoinette. And of course, on the nightstand was a picture of Harley and Eddie. "Cute," she said as she sat it back on the nightstand. "What's this?" she asked as she picked up another picture. It was her, Harley, and Ivy at a table at the Iceberg. Selina laughed and sat it back down.

* * *

"Where are you going?!" Harvey yelled after Ivy as she tried to hail a cab.

"Home!" she yelled back.

"What is going on with you?" he growled as he grabbed her arm.

"Nothing! I'm fine! You're the one that messed everything up!"

"How did I do that?"

"You couldn't be happy just sleeping together, you wanted to be together, so I gave in and now you're not happy being together! Oh no! Now you want to love me! Well you can't!" Ivy screamed. "I don't do love. That's Harley's thing."

A cab pulled over to the curb and Ivy got in. Harvey didn't say anything he didn't stop her. He just watched as she drove away.

"Hey there gorgeous," the driver said.

Ivy looked up and realized that this was the same guy that dropped her off at Harvey's when she decided to be with him. "Hello again."

"You look pretty down in the dumps."

"Bad night," she replied.

"Your boyfriend dump you?"

"No, I dumped him."

"Sorry to hear that. So where am I taking you?"

* * *

"Are you avoiding the Iceberg?" Harley asked.

"Me? No, never. Why would I avoid the Iceberg?" Eddie replied nervously.

"Because Joker tossed you out on your butt," she replied as she took a sip of her drink.

"Who told you?"

"Jervis. I bumped into him earlier."

"Some best friend," Eddie sighed.

"I can talk to Joker and…"

"NO!" Eddie barked.

"Sor-ry," Harley replied.

"I don't want you talking to him as it is and I don't want my girlfriend fighting my battles. I'm already considered weak I don't need it to get worse."

"You're not weak. You're just too smart to resort to violence," Harley said. "And personally, I think brains are way sexier than brawn."

Eddie smiled, leaned across the table, and kissed her. "This is why I love you."

Harley dropped her fork and froze. "You love me?"

"Very, very much," he told her.

"I love you too!" she giggled.

They sat silently for a moment. Eddie couldn't believe a woman, other than his mother, loved him. Never had a girlfriend said I love you.

"You know, I've been thinking," Eddie began.

"When do you ever stop thinking?"

Eddie raised his eyebrow. "Very true. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe we should move in together."

"Really?!" Harley asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, I mean I have a rather spacious place and we've been together for quite a bit and it just feels right."

"I'll think about it," Harley replied but in her mind she already said yes and she was picking out a color for the bridesmaids.

* * *

Ivy burst in through the door. She kicked off her shoes and stared at Selina.

"I wasn't in your room!" she blurted out.

Ivy adopted a confused look and shook her head. "He said the four letter word."

"Damn?" Selina asked.

"Love. L.O.V.E. Who says that?" Ivy cried as she plopped onto the couch.

"People who love each other. Normal people."

"Yeah well, people not like me," Ivy replied.

"So what did you say?"

"I ran out of there and grabbed a cab."

"Oh yeah, that's a rational response. What the hell is wrong with you?" Selina asked.

"Me? I'm perfectly fine it's Harvey that messed up a good thing!"

"You're nuts."

Ivy got up from the couch, put her shoes back on, and walked out the door.

* * *

"All I said was I love you, and she gets all crazy and leaves! Then she yells at me on the sidewalk and hops in a cab. I don't get it! Don't women want men to tell them they love him?" Harvey asked.

Bruce looked at his phone is disbelief. He thought that the end of him and Selina would be the end of his connection with the rogues. "Harvey I don't really know. I mean Pamela isn't a normal woman. She has a lot of baggage," Bruce offered.

"Yeah, but, oh I don't know. Should I call her? Maybe I should call Selina and ask her if Pammy cooled off."

"Try calling her tomorrow. She'd be calmer then."

"Maybe you should call her," Harvey tried.

"I think I'm number one on all their shit lists. You may have dropped the l-word but I cheated on Selina."

"Yeah, what the hell were you thinking there?"

"Tell you the truth…I didn't want to be with Diana. I just felt bad because she liked me and she was visiting and I used to want to be with her so I thought for one night what could it hurt?"

"Does she hate you too?" Harvey asked.

"Not so much now. I calmed her down a bit."

"Is that you or me?" Harvey asked.

"What?" Bruce replied and then he heard the beeping. "Oh, that's me. Hold on." He clicked over. "Hello."

"Brucie! I need help," Joker cried.

"Oh god. Hold on," Bruce told him as he clicked back over. "Alright, tell me all you know about the Joker."

"What?" Harvey asked.

"He is on my other line. I need to know what is going on."

"I haven't heard anything. You need me to let you go?"

"Yeah, I'll call you back." Bruce clicked back over, took a deep breath, and smiled. "What can I do for you Joker?"

"It's Nigma! Harley's dating Nigma! I tried to forget about it but I can't. What do I do?" Joker whined.

"Look…I…Have you tried talking to her?" Bruce asked.

"Hey Bruce," Dick began as he walked into the room.

Bruce held up a finger. "Joker, you have to either forget about Harley or talk to her. Get some closure. Try being her friend. It's better to be in her life in that way than to be nothing."

"Oh my god, you've lost it," Dick laughed.

Bruce gave him a pleading look.

"I don't know Bruce. She probably won't take my calls. Can you talk to her?" Joker asked.

"I'm sure I'm on her shit list right now."

"Oh yeah, I heard about you and Selina. I'm surprised she let you live," Joker replied.

"Yeah. Try calling Harley. If that doesn't work then…I'll….I'll see what I can do," he sighed.

"You're a good friend," Joker replied.

"Yeah, bye," Bruce said as he hung up the phone. "How do they get my number?"

"So you're fixing the rogues' romantic lives why?" Dick asked.

"Because I'm afraid not to when they call."

"I heard the Gotham underworld was all messed up. What's the latest?"

"Well, Harley and Joker split, she left him not the other way around, and now she's dating Riddler. Poison Ivy and Twoface started something but then he said I love you so she flipped out. I cheated on Selina with Donna so she hates me. And then there's this waitress at the Iceberg named Holly and she loves Nigma but he doesn't know so don't tell. Oh and to top it all off Harley Quinn, Selina, and Poison Ivy all live together and they're all best friends so not only does Selina hate me but so do they and I'm sure they will kill me if I see them," Bruce explained.

"Things were never this fun when I was here."

* * *

Ivy sat in the backseat of a cab with her arms folded across her chest and a scowl on her face. She wasn't going to apologize to Harvey she was just going to explain how this could never work between them. She got out and stood on the sidewalk in front of his place. She took a deep breath and somehow found the guts to knock on his door.

"You're crazy. I mean that you're god damn crazy," Harvey growled.

"I want to talk."

"I don't want to listen anymore Pamela. I'm done listening. I'm done trying. I'm done caring," he replied.

"Yeah, your love for me ran real deep," she said sarcastically.

"I do love you!" Twoface snapped.

"Maybe it'd be easier reasoning with you than Harvey!" Ivy snapped back.

"Get in here then."

Ivy stepped in and made her way to the living room. She tossed her coat and her purse onto the couch and folded her arms across her chest again. "Why can't you understand I'm just not the relationship type of girl?"

"Bull shit! You had no trouble the first time we dated."

"I was trying to kill you!" she cried.

"Murder aside, you at least tried."

Ivy rolled her eyes. Dealing with Twoface wasn't going to be easier than dealing with Harvey. "Can I get Harvey back please?"

"Why? So you can reject me again?" Harvey asked as he took a seat on the couch.

"How can you love me? You don't even know thing one about me?"

"Tell me thing one then. And thing two and three while you're at it."

"You wouldn't understand," Ivy told him. She grabbed her things and started for the door. The tears were welling up in her eyes.

Harvey put his hand against the door so she couldn't get out.

Ivy pressed her forehead against it and started to cry. It scared Harvey for a second. He took his weight off the door and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I…go ahead and leave. Don't worry about me anymore."

Ivy turned around and leaned against the door. "The last man who told me he loved me did this," she said as she held up her arm.

In the light Harvey could see the slight green tint and the dark green veins that ran through her arm.

"What are you going to do to me?" she asked.

Harvey had no words. He couldn't tell her he'd never hurt her. He couldn't promise she'd always be happy. He couldn't comfort her without lying so he did the next best thing, he held her. He let her cry into his shoulder.


	12. Take Me Baby Or Leave Me

Take Me Baby Or Leave Me

**Author's Note:** So the last chapter was pretty dramatic. Kind of humorous as well. If you couldn't tell I'm making this up as I go. I never have a plan for stuff it just happens. But the ride hasn't been too bad has it?

Harley bounced in the door some time the next morning. Selina was sitting at the table with Ivy discussing Ivy's night. Harley ran up and smiled.

"You'll never believe my night!" she exclaimed.

"That makes two of us," Ivy replied. "Harvey told me he loved me."

Harley smiled and squealed. "Eddie told me he loved me and guess what else! He asked me to move in!" she screamed.

"What?" Ivy and Selina asked at once.

"Yepperz! Eddie told me he loved me and then he asked me to move in. I'm so excited!"

"What did you tell him?" Selina asked.

"I told him I loved him too and I'd think about moving in but I don't have to think about it because I know that it's right. I'm going to move n with him and who knows? I might be married before the summer!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ivy growled. "You just broke up with your boyfriend of umpteen years and then you start dating Eddie for a couple of months and now your all in love and moving in? You need to think about this girl! You're just going back to square one!"

"That's your opinion," Harley replied.

"No girl, that's fact."

"I think it's pretty obvious I'm not like you. I'm human. I fall in love with men and I allow people to get close to me. I'm not a robot."

"No, you're an idiot!" Ivy replied.

"Yeah well you're an anal retentive! If this place was any cleaner it'd be in the Ripley's museum!" Harley shot back.

"You have such low self esteem you'd jump into bed with any man or woman who complimented you. I'm surprised you haven't jumped onstage at the strip club! Not only would you get hoots and hollers but you'd get some money too!" Ivy yelled.

Harley bit her lip and held back the tears.

"But you were always Joker's private stripper right? He said put on this costume and do this and you'd jump. Isn't that how it worked? He never even loved you. He probably had some girl on the side he cared for. You were just his puppet."

That hurt. Harley turned and ran to her room. She tossed her things into her suitcase and left.

"Ivy, that was a little harsh," Selina said.

"No, it was the truth. Something I put off telling her for a long time," Ivy replied.

"There are nicer ways of telling the truth."

"Oh, I'm sorry. What's the nice way of saying you're a pushy bitch?" Ivy asked.

"I may be a pushy bitch but you're just a bitch!" Selina replied.

"At least my man is faithful," Ivy said as she walked out of the kitchen.

"I don't know how you love her! She has a heart colder than Victor's!" Selina yelled.

* * *

Harvey sighed and held the phone away from his ear. He knew this would happen. Three women in one apartment, the peace couldn't last too long. "Selina calm down. She isn't that bad. You're just all at intense moments and it was too much. You're all riled up because you and Bruce split, Pammy's on edge because we're gonna take the next step, and Harley is getting ready to move on with Eddie and that scares Pammy because she thinks if we break up she'll be all alone."

"Do you have a secret degree in psychology?" Selina asked.

"Yeah, I keep it in the drawer next to my license to kill," Harvey replied sarcastically.

"You've been talking to Bruce!" Selina exclaimed.

"How the hell did you know that?" Harvey asked in shock.

"That's the kind of smart ass thing he'd say!" she replied.

"Look, Selina," but it was too late. She'd already hung up.

* * *

"So then she tells me I have low self esteem and blah blah blah!" Harley whined.

Eddie wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "She'll calm down some. Don't worry. She's just all upset because you're moving out."

"Yeah but she still shouldn't have said all those mean things," Harley cried.

"Oh, honey," he comforted.

"And Kittie didn't even stick up for me," she said as she jumped up. "She just sat there, not saying a word. I'm mad at her too!"

"And you should be!"

"She's mad at you too and frankly so am I," Eddie told Selina.

"Why are you mad at me?" she yelled through the phone.

"Because you didn't stand up for her!"

"Look, Ivy could have been a little nicer about it but what she said was basically true," Selina replied.

"Until you apologize we are not friends!" Eddie yelled as he snapped his phone closed.

* * *

"So then Selina turns on me and says I'm a bitch!" Ivy cried.

Harvey pinched the bridge of his nose. He had just heard this story and Selina got all upset with him and now Pammy was yelling. His head was killing him. "Look, you can be a bitch."

Ivy stopped pacing and put her hands on her hips, "Want to try that again?"

"I love you babe but you can be nasty and you were a bit nasty to Harley and then you snapped at Selina so she naturally snapped back. I'm not taking their side, I'm on your's, always, but still, would it hurt to apologize to Harley?"

"No, but, I can't right now."

"Why not?" Harvey asked.

"She probably won't even answer the phone. I'll just cool down for a couple of days and she can cool down and Selina can and then we can all apologize."

* * *

"And now I'm mad at Harvey for talking to Bruce and Eddie's all mad at me for yelling at Harley and since you're mad at Eddie for dating Harley I figured you'd be on my side," Selina explained. She was sitting at the bar next to Joker at the Iceberg.

Joker listened intently. He loved this. "I don't think it's your fault at all. Ivy yelled at Harley and you didn't want to add your two cents so you stayed out of it. And as for Harvey, how dare he talk to your ex, he's supposed to be your friend." Joker decided to leave out that he too called Bruce for help. Better to have Catwoman as a friend than an enemy.

"At least someone agrees with me," she sighed. Sure it was the Joker but hey, he was better than nothing.

Ivy walked into the Iceberg with Harvey. They were making their way to their table when Ivy spotted Selina at the bar next to Joker. "Well isn't this surprising?"

Selina looked up and faked a smile.

"Hello Itchy Ivy," Joker laughed.

"Quiet Jack," Twoface growled.

"Since when do you let your man fight for you?" Selina asked.

Ivy snorted. "At least I have someone to fight for me. You seem to drive men into the arms of other women."

"Hey! You can't talk to her like that!" Joker yelled as he jumped off his stool.

Selina was shocked.

"You two are a perfect match," Ivy replied sarcastically. She and Harvey walked away.

"Why did you do that?" Selina asked.

"Do what?"

"Defend me. I don't need your help."

"Really? You practically ran in here, plopped down next to me, and told me your side of the fight so you could have an ally," Joker retorted.

"Fair enough."

Harley and Eddie spotted Selina and Joker next.

"I can't believe you! I would never dream of dating Bruce!" Harley cried.

"Whoa! Who said I was dating him?" Selina asked outraged.

Harley started to cry and she ran to the bathroom. Joker hopped off his stool and followed her.

"Wait Pooh! Daddy's sorry!" he yelled.

Eddie stood there next to Selina.

"Eddie…" she began.

"I'm still mad at you," he replied. And with that he walked away and sat at his usual table.

Selina heard screams from the lady's room and then she saw Joker being tossed out. He walked back to the bar, shoulders slumped, with a red hand print on his face.

"Some ally."

"Oh hush you," he snapped.


	13. The Afterlife Of The Party

The (After)life Of The Party

**Author's Note:** Last chapter! And it's kind of like an epilogue. I don't know. But I love the title. I think it's perfect. Because the party kind of died and everyone's all messed up and allied and what not. Selina and Joker huh? How do you like that? I thought about tossing her up with Jervis but it just wasn't as funny.

A week had gone by since the big fight or as the rogues had names it "Hiroshima". Selina sat at the bar of the Iceberg Lounge reading the paper. The front page had a picture of Joker and Eddie being hauled away by Gotham PD. They got in a fight outside the mall and Batman nabbed them both. Now they were locked up in Arkham.

Selina tossed the paper over the bar and into the trash. "Poor Harl," she sighed.

"Yeah, poor me," Harley said as she grabbed the stool next to Selina.

They smiled sadly at each other.

"Poor both of you," Ivy joked as she took the stool on Selina's other side.

"So ends my wonderful love affair with The Joker." Selina placed the back of her hand on her forehead and placed the other on her heart.

They all three laughed.

"So, you still with Eddie even though he's locked up at the funny farm?" Ivy asked.

"Yeah, I can wait for him to get out," Harley replied. "You still with Harvey?"

"Uh huh. What's going on with you Selina?" Ivy asked.

"Not too much."

"Just to get things straight, you're all friends again right?" Holly asked as she poured three drinks.

"Yeah," they all replied.

"You're all crazy," Holly laughed. "So where is Harv tonight?"

"He's at home. He's all alone now that Eddie is locked up," Ivy explained.

"Me too," Jervis sighed a couple of stools down. "He's my best friend."

The girls all laughed.

"So, let's agree never to fight again," Harley said.

"I can do that," Selina replied.

"Me too," Ivy cooed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I got to use the ladies room."

When Selina was sure Ivy was out of ear shot she turned to Harley and whispered," When she said Harvey was at home she meant Harvey was at our place. He practically moved in a week ago. And it wasn't on his own, Ivy asked him!"

Harley squealed.

"You told her didn't you?" Ivy asked.

"Sorry, couldn't resist."


End file.
